Ankara, 13.03.2016

The first one hit us off guard. I never saw it coming. I never knew the reason why anybody would want to kill people that marched for peace. That day, I learned how to count. Apparently, one to one hundred two takes a lot of time to complete when you count not by numbers, but by names, contemplating about each life that has now disappeared. The second one was surprising. It was a bit like a joke, given that the ones that are supposed to protect you have no clue about what could ever happen after we have already lost too many. I did not want to acknowledge the incompetence that has resulted in this extent of a disaster, let alone to attempt that maybe it was all on purpose, that it was not because of lack of skill, but it was actually elaborately planned to destroy everything left that resembled hope. From then on, I had got adapted to live with fear for my life, and those of my loved ones, and the thing that I was afraid of so much was just the one that made it to the headlines, the rest of what the outrage offered was only little newsworthy. The last one, I had it coming. I have been waiting for something to happen at last that is so tragic and traumatic that it could actually relieve me, because I would finally be over with it. I am desperately wishing something so big to happen that then I can confidently say that it is it, and what has to come next is only predictable. I have come to a point where I am not only ashamed of my life continuing as if nothing ever happens, but I also want everything to end one way or another. It might merely take just one shot to kill us all at once, so that we do not have to bear all the pain of what has happened and what will, and would.
But we cannot take the shortcut, we cannot know beforehand, because when we actually know, it is only a little effective. We have to carry the burden of potential danger, we have to see with our own eyes that a government across the seas is calling its citizens to awareness, because they are cared for. But the leftover we deserve is to see policemen standing outside the park, where you have a very nice view of explosions, checking ID’s of random street wanderers, but when there actually is a notice of threat, which almost only lacks the names of the attackers, it cannot be prevented. Our share is to swallow this fallacy.
May all this end one day.


This entry was posted on 16 March 2016 and is filed under ,,,,,,,,,. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Responses are currently closed.